When God Weeps Read online

  Out of a shadowed alley crawled two teenagers dragging their twisted legs. Polio survivors, I thought as they joined our group. We overtook a woman in tribal dress inching along in her rickety wheelchair. An eighty-year-old man, legless and no more than three feet high, hopped up on the curb and flashed a smile my way. I stopped. He waddled over and extended his stump of an arm to shake my hand. I leaned over to press my paralyzed fingers against his stump and we grinned at our odd handshake. We were pulled on by the singing and clapping up the street. As our group approached, the orphaned and homeless parted to welcome us in under the glare of a neon light. We had arrived in the center of a sidewalk worship service.

  We westerners sat upright on benches, facing the ragtag crowd. “And now, Christian brothers and sisters,” shouted the pastor, “let us give a warm welcome to our most gracious friends from America who have traveled very far to bring us wheelchairs and Bibles!” Cheers erupted; then, a welcome song. The full rich drone of African harmony twisted my heart, and tears fell freely as we listened to the disabled people applaud each other’s testimonies and to the readings of Scripture. A half hour of constant praise passed easily, and then I was asked to speak.

  “Thank you, friends, for welcoming us,” I said as I wheeled into a clearing on the sidewalk. My JAF friend pushed a wheelchair-gift alongside of me. “God is good! “someone shouted as the first child was placed into it. Another chair, another disabled person. Hands began clapping in rhythm as a flow of crutches and wheelchairs were passed from our group to theirs. More syncopated clapping, loud and snappy. Ama bobbed her head in time, beaming a proud smile as she rubbed her stumps on the leather armrests of her chair. The teenage boys with polio started a dance in the clearing.

  “Look,” I said to a team member, “even the people who know there aren’t enough wheelchairs to go around—they are so happy for those who get something.”

  The rising moon was lightening the eastern edge of the night. As we readied to leave the slums, the Africans bid us farewell with one more song:

  Because he lives, I can face tomorrow.

  Because he lives, all fear is gone.

  Because I know, I know he holds the future;

  And life is worth the living just because he lives!

  Is it the neon glare? I wondered, as I squinted at their smiles. No. It was joy out of this world.

  My pastor friend lit the way back to the van. As we jostled across the street, my thoughts were jumbled. So much gladness in the midst of misery. Joy, like a fresh daisy, sprouting up from manure.

  “What happens to Ama when it rains? Who takes care of her?” I asked.

  The glow of the flashlight gave a sheen to his smile. “God takes care of her.”

  Oppressive heat. People penniless. A girl with no hands, no legs to walk, no bed, and not even a fan, living on concrete. It doesn’t sound like God’s doing a very good job. I recall hearing something; a boy who lived in a box by the trash heap said, “You westerners are the ones we can’t understand. God has given you so much, you have been so blessed…why are so many people in your country so unhappy?”

  OUR SIDE OF THE WORLD

  We have our ranch-style homes and unemployment insurance, three-meals-a-day on the table, and supermarket double coupons, if not food stamps, but isn’t it odd how we still want more? If we’re single, we want marriage. If we’re married, we want the perfect spouse. If we have the perfect mate, we want the time to enjoy life.

  Other times we have too much. Sky high medical bills. Fourteen visits to the Mayo Clinic and eight surgeries. A stroke renders our husband speechless or chromosomes retard our grandchild. The funeral was yesterday, and we wonder how we’ll face the future alone. We collapse under the burden, baffled at why the abundant life eludes us and lands in the laps of others.

  We want what we do not have.

  We have what we do not want.

  And we are unhappy.

  A story about noble Africans who suffer joyfully is inspiring, but God—we convince ourselves—wouldn’t want to cramp our style as he might with poor people in Ghana. Our God exists to make our lives happy, more meaningful, and trouble-free. Our God deals differently with us. Maybe we’re conditioned by the Puritan ethic, bent on finding a fix-it. Our Western culture—and the God who inspires it—has built hospitals and institutions to alleviate suffering. We’re civilized and so is our view of God.

  He is our Father, as he describes himself in his Word, and fathers want the best for their children—not used clothing bartered off the streets or shelter that collapses under a downpour. He is our Savior, securing for us peace and well-being while crushing underfoot the deeds of the Devil, including disease and disasters. He promises abundant life (and God always keeps his promises). He is our deliverer, releasing us from the bondage of sin and its effects. With his stripes we are healed.

  And to be healed of suffering is to be happy.

  This line of thinking is the path I took not long after the diving accident in which I became paralyzed in 1967. Lying on my back in a Stryker frame with my head immobilized in steel tongs, I could look only up. A natural position for talking to God. I tried to imagine what he was thinking. If God were God—I was convinced he was all powerful and loving—he had to be as anxious to relieve my pain as I was. A heavenly Father had to weep over me as my daddy often did, standing by my bedside, white-knuckling the guardrail. I was one of God’s children, and God would never do anything to harm one of his own. Didn’t Jesus say, “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then…know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven!” (Luke 11:11–13).

  A God this good is worth pursuing. And so, when I was released from the hospital, my friends would drive me to Washington, D.C., so I could be first in line at the door whenever the famous faith-healer, Kathryn Kuhlman, came to town. Miss Kuhlman breezed onto the stage in her white gown, and my heart raced as I prayed, Lord, the Bible says you heal all our diseases. I’m ready for you to get me out of this wheelchair. Please, would you?

  God answered: I never walked away from my chair. The last time I wheeled away from a Kathryn Kuhlman crusade, I was number fifteen in a line of thirty wheelchair-users waiting to exit at the stadium elevator, all of us trying to make a fast escape ahead of the people on crutches. I remember glancing around at all the disappointed and confused people and thinking, Something’s wrong with this picture. Is this the only way to deal with suffering? Trying desperately to remove it?

  When I looked in the mirror after I got home, I saw their sullen expression staring back. I was just as perplexed as the people near the elevator. Okay, let me get this straight: God is good. God is love. He is all powerful. Plus, when he walked on earth, he bent over backward to relieve the sufferings of people, everyone from the hemorrhaging woman to the centurion’s servant. So why does my five-year-old niece, Kelly, have brain cancer? Why did my brother-in-law abandon my sister and their family? Why does Daddy’s arthritis not respond to medication?

  Good questions.

  As answers elude us, as God’s ways stymie us, the fire of suffering is stoked. We feel the heat of wanting what we don’t have and having what we don’t want. God appears unmoved. Happiness escapes us. We are discontent and restless.

  I wonder how many of those sullen-faced folks at the elevator after the healing crusade still believe in God? That was almost thirty years ago. Are they still waiting in line? Still hoping? “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and a heart can break only so many times.

  If God is a God who dangles hope like a carrot only to snatch it back, little wonder our appetite for him—our confidence in him—wanes.

  WE ARE WEAK BUT HE IS STRONG

  We could learn a lesson from those Africans. They wish they had the burden of food stamps! Oh, for a ranch-style home to vacuum! A power vacuum? It would be handy inside Ama’s canvas lean-to. Healing
? They’d love for legs and feet to sprout from stumps! Their suffering is a pit, a yawning abyss. Yet as hurting and harangued as they are, they seem to trust God with absolute abandon.

  Don’t think I’m glorifying them. This isn’t a snobby one-upmanship on whose purple heart medals shine the brightest. Before we cast Ama and her friends into plaster-of-paris sainthood, remember they are more like us than we realize. They too want what they do not have.

  The difference is the way they look at God.

  On a hot and windy evening, as we prepared to board our jet to leave Ghana, I talked on the tarmac with an African airport employee. When I told her about the hurting yet happy people we met in the slums, she replied, “We have to trust God. Our people have no other hope.” She flattened her whipping hair with her hand and gave me a knowing look, her eyes unblinking, her broad smile, unflinching. She meant every word. I asked how she kept smiling. She shrugged her shoulders. “I too have God.”

  She made it sound so simple. Maybe it is, I pondered. She has the same God as we do. The same Bible. And when it comes to suffering, she has the same text as do we all. Second Corinthians 12:9–10 plainly states: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me…I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

  Hardships press us up against God. It’s a universal truth we all learned in the old Sunday school song, “We are weak, but he is strong.”

  This is what I saw that night in Africa. Our pastor-friend spread wide his arms and beamed, “Welcome to our country where our God is bigger than your God.” It was a happy-hearted fact: God always seems bigger to those who need him the most. And suffering is the tool he uses to help us need him more.

  Know God better through suffering? That’s a quaint thought. Then again, there’s that high school buddy who never did take God seriously until trouble hit. Bagging a football scholarship to a Big Ten university consumed all his attention, but in his sophomore year at Michigan, he got slammed on the five-yard line. Two surgeries and three sidelined seasons later, he had done some serious thinking: life was short; where were his priorities? Today, he is still into sports (he coaches the Tiny Tornadoes after work), but his priorities are straighten Bible study and prayer get their chunk of time in his schedule.

  Closer to God through trials? Another curiosity. Then there’s the couple down the street who tend to be just a tad materialistic. But then last year when he lost his job, they prayed harder, got by with less, and learned some lessons. They found that family means more than possessions, that community college wasn’t so bad for their Princeton-bound daughter, and that God took care of them while they climbed back to their feet.

  Discover God’s hand in heartbreak? One more peculiarity. But then there’s the twenty-six-year-old man whose girlfriend had returned the engagement ring. He let it sit on his dresser for months as a monument to his failed love life. He dealt with the grief by pouring himself into a troubled kid who lived two doors down and had never known a father. Took him to the stables on weekends and taught him to horseback ride. It made him grow up. He learned that his problems were super-small. Two years later, the man ducked into a bookstore to buy a present and spied a honey-blonde girl with a knock-out smile flipping through a calendar of palomino horses. They got to talking and discovered they had more in common than just equines. He took her riding the next weekend, joined the singles group at her church, and not long afterward, she said a big yes when he popped the question on her front porch swing. Today, he shudders to think that he could have missed her.

  When we are weak, God is strong? Sure, we’ll buy that.

  So why do we squirm when we feel the crunch? Why do we keep asking why? A clue is hidden in the questions we ask: “Will I ever be happy again?” and “How is this fitting together for my good?” The questions themselves are technical and me-focused. Even when we hit upon good reasons why—like the Michigan football player who got his priorities straightened or the materialistic couple who learned to get by with less or the guy whose pain led him to Miss Perfect—even good reasons can be me-focused:

  “Suffering sure has helped me get my spiritual act together.”

  “I see how this trial is improving my character and prayer life.”

  “Think what I would have missed had it not been for that heartbreak.”

  “This tribulation has really strengthened my marriage.”

  Notice all the me’s.

  God notices too.

  SUFFERING BEYOND THE LIMITS

  Wave upon wave, field daisies sway on the embankment just feet from where we sit. Pine branches bob in the wind, my hair is tossed, and my spirits lift. Has a backyard ever held so much sunlight? John McAllister and I sit in our wheelchairs, rigid in the breeze. He faces the far away mountains with a faraway look, a wool wrap tucked high around his neck. He resembles a statue of someone noble and famous—or a scholar meditating in his garden.

  “I need to come here more often,” I sigh. “I love this view, this day. I appreciate your friendship.”

  “Ha-a-ahh,” he guffaws, laying aside the compliment as he would a gift to relish later. I compare our situations. Almost three decades of paralysis has taken a toll on my frame. But a degenerative nerve disease is guilty of open extortion on his. A six-foot-three-inch oak is bent and withering in front of me.

  A nurse-friend approaches with a syringe and a plastic container of creamy liquid. He and I keep chatting as she undoes the lower buttons of his shirt. His white abdomen is exposed, along with a patch and a permanent feeding tube. Into the tube she plunges lunch. He doesn’t seem embarrassed, but still, I cover the moment: “It must be hard to know when to say grace when you get fed through a tube!”

  He nods. I think about stronger days when he was more mobile, able to volunteer at a nursing home, always looking for ways to keep active, keep serving, keep doing. The nurse unplugs the syringe and wipes his abdomen, as she might a mouth with a napkin. I’m grateful she’s tidy. John craves to keep clean. Showers are the one normal thing he clings to. Everything else is yesterday.

  Months pass. The air is chillier, the days shorter. John’s wheelchair sits unused in the corner. He’s too weak to sit in it much. His bed stands in the center of the living room. John is in it. Nighttime is no longer friendly. Shadows cast jerking, jagging shapes across the room. Gravity is his enemy as the weight of the air settles on his chest. Breathing is heavy labor. Calling out is impossible.

  He needs to call out tonight. In the darkness an ant finds him. The scout sends for others and they come. First hundreds, then thousands. A noiseless legion inches its way down the chimney, across the floor, secretly crawling up his urine tube, up, over and onto his bed. They fan out over the hills and valleys of John’s blanket, tunneling under and onto his body. He is covered by a black, wriggling, invasion.

  I’m across the ocean in England when the fax arrives at my hotel, relaying the story. John’s wife, along with a nurse, found him in the early morning with ants still in his hair, mouth, and eyes. His skin was badly bitten and burned. Pray for him, the fax conveys, we’ve never seen him so depressed. I’m not at the hotel when the message arrives. I’m speaking at a conference, conveying the plight of disabled people. I’m speaking of God’s mercy and his protection over the weak and the vulnerable.

  I sit by the receptionist’s desk and want to read the fax a second time but can’t. My stomach’s sick. John is a Christian. His God can see in the dark.

  Why, in the name of heaven, why? God, who are you? I almost want to say.

  If you knew John, you’d say the same. This isn’t a story about torn ligaments on a football field. This isn’t a polite refusal letter for financial aid to Princeton. This isn’t heartache over a returned engagement ring. This is crazy. This is suffering stalking a person down and ripping into his sanity. This is affliction spinning out of control. Suffering like this wo
uld never draw me to God, you think. It would push me away from him.

  Are we to assume suffering like this helps a person know God better? That its purpose is to move one up a few notches closer to God? Is this God’s idea of accomplishing something deep and profound in our lives?

  Is there anyone out there who can make sense of this? Who actually believes this?

  BACK TO THE BIBLE

  Stripped to his waist and forced on his stomach by the authorities, Paul shut his eyes. A pair of sandals shuffled in the dirt behind him. He heard the crowd quiet down, heard the breath taken, the whistle of the leather, and—snap!—felt its bite. The guard found his rhythm and the beating began in earnest.

  The flogging was characteristically Jewish: thirty-nine applications of a triple lash. Thirty-nine, not forty. Mosaic law permitted up to forty, but better not to risk overstepping the bounds.

  By the thirtieth blow, Paul’s tongue lagged in the sand. Before his career’s end, he would taste the dust outside of five such synagogues. He would also know scar-opening sessions under the rod of Rome, barely elude assassination, cling to ship’s wreckage in the open sea for a day and a night, mark years in chains, and be left for dead after stoning-by-mob (2 Corinthians 11:24-27).

  He could avoid it all. A few disclaimers would do, even just a discreet silence at critical moments. But Paul never could hold things in. His enemies came to hate his endless spewing of quotations, not to mention his formidable intellect. They couldn’t fool Paul. He knew their deeper objection. What his enemies truly loathed was the unseen figure behind every debate and discussion he entered—the one, as the Baptizer had put it, whose sandals he wasn’t good enough to untie. It was the memory of this unseen man that kept Paul going.